I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
