We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
