He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
