My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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