She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
So squirting runs in the family.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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