I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Randomize
