I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
