Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
