a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
