The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
