I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
