someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
