is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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