Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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