They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
