We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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