i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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