i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
being pregnant is like rehab
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
