Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
ttyl tear gas
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
