Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
i need some magic done to my vagina
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
