So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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