I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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