Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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