In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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