I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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