I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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