I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
