Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
