I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
