the condom got lost in my hair
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
When did we convert life to cartoon?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize