fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
