were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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