why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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