i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
