there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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