I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
