I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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