Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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