I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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