Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
