Only a mothe r could love this liver
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
