You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
