you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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