I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
