he thought i was a dude.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
