Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
