the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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