To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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