I can't breathe out the right side of my face
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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