I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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