DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
