4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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