I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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