There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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