Your dad touched me again.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
