DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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