What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize