my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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