I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
