Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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