nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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