life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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