Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
