i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He passed out mid-signature
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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