does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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